Wednesday, February 28, 2007

10 Coolest weapons we don't have

10. Phased-Plasma Rifle in the 40-Watt Range (The Terminator)

Even though we don't ever see this gun in action, the mere mention of it so blows the mind of Mr. Futterman the Gun Shop Owner that we just know we have to have one. And the fact that the Terminator walks out of the store with enough firepower to invade Cuba and still seems disappointed tells you all you need to know.

9. Noisy Cricket (Men in Black)

What's pocket-sized but still capable of destroying a city block? (Hint: It's not a drunk Verne Troyer). It's the MIB's surprising li'l Cricket. This isn't a gun to wave around when you want to scare someone, it's one to whip out when you mean business. And think about it—it's dainty, shiny, and fits easily into a handbag. It's the perfect gift for the futuristic warrior woman in your life.

8. ZF-1 Assault Weapon (The Fifth Element)

The Swiss Army Knife of assault rifles. The ZF has rockets, darts, tracer bullets, netting, a flame-thrower, freezing gas-anything and everything you need to destroy the universe. The only problem is, a crate of these bad boys will set you back four ancient, mystical stones each. We don't care if you're the Sultan of Dubai, that's some serious scratch.

7. Glaive (Krull)

A mystical weapon of unknown origin, the glaive might not be the most versatile weapon on the list—it is, essentially, an over-sized ninja throwing star—but it more than makes up for its shortcomings in style. Even if all you intend to do with it is chop blocks of cheese or scare your cat, you'll look cool doing it. And it'll end an "ultimate Frisbee" match in seconds.

6. Organic gun (eXistenz)

We're not interested in this bizarre weapon because we want to get around metal detectors or anything, we're just really into recycling. What better way to use all those old bones, bits of teeth and gums, and partially rotting flesh you have lying around your house than cobbling them together into a gun? Circle of life, friends. Circle of life.

5. Lightsabers (Star Wars)

"An elegant weapon, for a more civilized age." Whether your particular brand comes in badass red, noble hero blue, or Samuel L. Jedi purple, the lightsaber is such an intimidator, it can even make a two-foot Muppet seem tough. You don't even have to use it, just flick it on and its unmistakable hum clearly says: "Somebody's walking out of here without a limb."

4. Sick Stick (Minority Report)

Cops in the future have come so far. No longer armed with lame wooden sticks that are only good for tapping on driver's side windows, these new sticks make anyone you touch vomit instantly. Seriously—no tequila, no pictures of Britney Spears' vagina, just a single touch! It's fun, and it'll also double as a convenient time-saver for your bulimic girlfriend.

3. Death Blossom (The Last Starfighter)

OK, first we need spaceships, obviously, but, c'mon-if the future doesn't at least have spaceships, then we're not even going. And the one thing we want standard issue on all fighters is the ol' "D.B." With a press of a button, your ship goes into a ballistic epileptic fit that decimates anything in the immediate area. It's like a lawn sprinkler of mass destruction.

2. Iron Giants (The Iron Giant)

What could be better than a 50-foot robot armed with advanced alien weaponry? One that can also babysit the kids! One part nanny, one part War of the Worlds, the Iron Giant would be the ideal home defense choice for families. Kidnapping would practically be rendered nonexistent if we had these things to chaperone the kids at the park or take them to school.

1. The Death Star (Star Wars)

Talk about home defense. The only thing more efficient than owning a weapon to protect your house is actually living inside the weapon. The Death Star can entertain a small country's worth of houseguests, has plenty of parking space, a recycling plant on the premises, and enough firepower to destroy an entire planet. You might want to slap a screen door on some of those thermal exhaust ports, but otherwise you're living in the lap of destructive luxury.


Fer said...

How about Half Life 2 gravity gun ??
Thats very slick

Anonymous said...

I didn't know that a weapon could be "cool"...

Darshan said...

I want a lightsaber!

Anonymous said...

in South Africa our government is a weapon of mass destruction ....

Anonymous said...

What about the chest mounted xenomorph sweeper from Aliens??!

Anonymous said...

window makers??????