Okay, sure, you couldn’t buy Denise Richards as a tank-top-and-hot-pants-wearing nuclear physicist in “The World Is Not Enough.” But as a hotshot starship pilot and, eventually, captain? Sure, why not?
-----Carmen Ibanez----------Denise Richards------
One of the main plot points of Heinlein’s original novel was that all the experienced officers were killed off, leaving only the kids in charge. And at least Carmen had the sense to dump goofy hunk Casper Van Dien for slightly-less-goofy hunk Patrick Muldoon – right? And she did look spectacular in those Nazi-esque uniforms.
14. Padmé Amidala (“Star Wars” prequels 1999-2005)
It speaks volumes to the utter asexuality of the six Star Wars films that the hottest moments are (1) Princess Leia in the gold bikini and (2) Princess Leia’s mom with her tummy exposed. Yikes.
-------Padmé Amidala----------Natalie Portman-------
Formerly the World’s Sexiest Jew (but knocked down to third by Rachel Weiss and Scarlett Johansson), young Harvard-educated hottie Natalie Portman was the only reason to see the Star Wars prequels, apart from Ewan McGregor’s amusing Alec Guinness impersonation. Padmé is beautiful, smart, and takes full advantage of her planet’s inexplicable custom of electing teenage girls to rule over them.
Why doesn’t she rate higher on the countdown? (1) Her atrocious taste in men and (2) inexplicably dying of “grief” and abandoning her kids to be raised by Jimmy Smits and Phil Brown, respectively (both of whom get killed by the Empire for their trouble, by the way.)
13. Sil (“Species” 1995)
If woman is going to rip your heart out and leave you a lifeless husk, she might as well look like Natasha Henstridge. Hell, even in her H.R. Giger-designed alien form, the murderous human-alien hybrid Sil was pretty hot.
The best thing about Sil was that she didn’t want to be a homicidal sex machine – she was just cloned that way. Giger’s usual “Metamorph” “Alien”-franchise alien rarely elicits sympathy, but Sil was just too cute to eject out the airlock.
12. Mystique (“X-Men” franchise 2000-2006)
Sci-fi makeup often takes a beautiful actress and ruins what Darwin gave her. I’m looking at you, Marina Sirtis. The “X-Men” movies feature Dutch-American supermodel Rebecca Romijn running around NAKED, but no one really notices her under all that blue paint and latex.
But Raven “Mystique” Darkholme still kicks ass and takes names, as Magneto’s ever-loyal and efficient sidekick. (I know, they turn on each other in “Last Stand,” but I’m pretending that movie never happened – shelve it with “Star Trek V.”) She’s smart, she’s dangerous, she’s bisexual, and her eyes glow yellow.
11. Robin Lefler (“Star Trek: The Next Generation” 1991)
Robin Lefler was by far the sexiest woman to ever appear on “Star Trek: The Next Generation,” because Ashley Judd was by far the sexiest actress to ever appear on “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” Maybe Mr. Data can explain how Judd can be so unbelievably beautiful, while her mother and sister look like lab experiments.
------ Robin Lefler---------------Ashley Judd-------
Anyway, one can assume that Ashley Judd would have a much easier time getting cast in a “Star Trek” film than poor, beleaguered, underappreciated Wil Wheaton. Robin Lefler’s Rule #2: Always look smoking hot in a Starfleet uniform.
10. Xev Bellringer (“LEXX” 1997-2002)
There is something incredibly appealing about a super-sexy female who is as likely to kill you as sleep with you. And when that female was raised to be socially submissive but sexually aggressive, and then transformed by a machine called a “Lusticon” into a beautiful sexual killing machine – well, you can’t go wrong there.
-------Xev Bellringer-------------Xenia Seeberg-------
Zev was the second of LEXX’s “Bellringers,” but Xenia Seeberg can ring my bell any day. Get it? "Ring my bell?" It's kind of a sexual innuendo.
9. Trillian (“The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” 2005)
Ah, Zooey Deschanel. Sure, she’s cute and smart and funny. But why is she so damn hot? She’s like Rachael Ray – you can’t explain the attraction, it’s just there.
Now turn Zooey into a smart space-trotting sidekick to a two-headed G.W. Bush-channeling alien madman, and add a silly white spacesuit, a pair of pet mice, and an inexplicable American accent. Voila, you have Tricia “Trillian” McMillan, the second best thing in the HG2G movie. (The Vogons were the best thing.) If I was the last surviving human, but Trillian was around, I think I’d be okay.
8. Max Guevera (“Dark Angel” 2000-02)
I could make all kinds of inappropriate jokes about a girl with spliced-in cat DNA, but I’ll restrain myself.
I don’t have to tell you that Max, aka Government Experiment X5-452, was hot – she was played by Jessica Alba, who takes hot to a new level not possible under the standard laws of physics. (Hey, I know! Let’s cast her as Invisible Girl!) But the show was kind of centered on Max being sexy, as well as kicking ass. Sort of like a futuristic, Seattle-based Abercrombie & Fitch ad. Maybe Max would go out with me if I could score her some tryptophan. (Wait, the tryptophan prevents her from going into heat? Never mind.)
7. Lana Lang (“Smallville” 2001-Present)
Yeah yeah, you’re with Clark, you’re not with Clark, you’re with him, you’re not, with, not, with, not, then you find out he’s Superboy, you die, come back, and Lex gets you pregnant. It’s too much drama, Lana.
-----Lana Lang-----------------Kristin Kreuk-------
Especially since he’s just gonna move to Metropolis and fall for Lois. You’ve got that Chinese-Dutch thing working for you, Lana. You’re gorgeous. Work it. Find yourself a real human male, not some Aryan übermensch from space.
6. Kara Thrace (“Battlestar Galactica” 2003-Present)
They said a woman couldn’t be a cigar-chompin’, bar-brawlin’, whiskey-chuggin’ hotshot Viper pilot. Well, by “they” I mean Dirk Benedict. Dirk, you have officially had your ass handed to you.
-----Kara Thrace-----------Katee Sackhoff----------
In a stellar ensemble cast, Katee Sackhoff’s Kara Thrace is first among equals. It’s not just that she’s incredibly sexy – she shares screen time with Boomer, Six and Xena the Warrior Princess. Kara kicks ass and takes names in every way the original Starbuck did – PLUS she’s clever, bitter, loving, conflicted, and secretly paints pictures. She’s neither the stereotypical kick-ass superheroine, nor the stereotypical kick-ass superheroine who is secretly fragile. She’s the kick ass superheroine who is secretly fragile, but will never let that fragility take her down. Not ever.
5. Kaylee Frye (“Firefly” 2002, “Serenity” 2005”)
“Goin' on a year now I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries!” You know, Kaywinnit Lee, if’n that tree stump of a doctor ain’t gonna help y’all out in that respect, I reckon’ I might be willing ta fill in there.
-------Kaylee Frye--------------Jewel Staite---------
Little Kaylee is as much the heart of Serenity as the ship’s photon-reaction drive. But the plucky, homily-spouting cutie is apparently a wildcat in the sack as well. She’s the one ship’s engineer with whom I’d like to get trapped on an island. Sorry, Scotty.
4. Seven of Nine (“Star Trek: Voyager” 1997-2001)
Who would Annika Hansen have been if she hadn’t been assimilated by The Borg at the age of six? A big fat nobody, that’s who! Well, maybe not big and fat – on a typical Federation diet, she would have been at least Jeri Ryan-hot. But she would never have been Seven of Nine-hot! There’s nothing like a skin-tight gray jumpsuit and a metal eyebrow to turn a guy’s crank.
-------Seven of Nine------------Jeri Ryan------------
Sure, Seven was emotionally unavailable, but that was just because of her alien upbringing. Also, if your only choices were the “men” of Voyager, you might choose chastity as well. Yikes. No wonder she only hung out with the Doctor.
3. Jean Grey (“X-Men” films 2000-2006)
First let’s get something straight. The real Jean Grey committed suicide in “The Uncanny X-Men” #137 in 1980. Every issue since then with “Jean Grey” in it is a PACK OF LIES.
-------Jean Grey---------------Famke Janssen---------
That said, Famke Janssen’s Jean Grey in the “X-Men” films is its own, separate character, and that character is amazing. Call it the superheroine who is openly, obviously, heart-breakingly fragile. You just want to run over to her and wrap your arms around her, even if it means, a la Brett “Let’s destroy the franchise” Ratner, she’ll disperse you into millions of colored CGI chunklets. If there’s another “X-Men” movie, let’s hope this time they do bring Jean Grey back from the dead.
2. Sharon Valeri (“Battlestar Galactica” 2003-Present)
Grace Park plays three characters on BSG.
There’s Athena, who the producers call Sharon and fans call Caprica-Boomer. She’s Helo’s wife, and mother of the Cylon Miracle Baby. She lives on Galactica.
------Sharon Valeri----------------Grace Park-------
Then there’s the one the producers call Boomer and fans call Galactica-Boomer. She was in love with the Chief, shot Adama, and teamed up with Caprica-Six to “save” humanity. Now she lives on a base star.
And I am in love with all of them. Even the ones that would kill me.
1. Leeloo (“The Fifth Element” 1997)
The perfect woman, the Supreme Being. That’s Milla Jovovich. No, sorry, I mean Leeloo, a.k.a. Leeloo Minai Lekatariba-Laminai-Tchaii Ekbat De Sebat, a.k.a. The Fifth Element.
Is it the orange dreads? The pale blue-green eyes? The perfect body? The Gaultier outfits? The adorable accent? The martial arts? The saving the Earth from the Ultimate Evil?
Out of all the science-fiction female ass-kicking secretly-fragile alien super-powered hotties, Leeloo is the ultimate. The perfect prototype. The geek’s ideal mate. Sigh. Too bad she doesn’t exist.
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